Who am I?

I continually find myself in the dark underwater, not sure which way takes me to the surface. I thought—no, I was sure—I knew who I was. I was confident in that. But I don't think that I actually do. I think I am very lost.

So...who am I?

Who am I...it should be such an easy question, but what makes a person anything?

I think that we as humans shape our beings around what we do and don't like about the people and world around us.

If I love a certain trait about a person, or see other people really love it, I may take on that characteristic because I like it.

At first I thought this to be deeply sad. What a poor sap - out here taking little pieces of other people to make himself whole. But is that not what we do our entire lives? You learn from your parents, you friends, your teachers, and they give you pieces of information to learn how to walk, talk, cook, write, or calculate. This is similar. We are learning to admire someone for a trait, and saying "I would like to be more like them in this small way." Not major shifts to copy one's life, but a small characteristic.

Maybe you admire someone that wakes up and makes their bed every day, so you start to make your bed every day. Or someone who eats healthy and you find that to be admirable, so you do the same. If you find it to be admirable, doesn't that mean you want to be more like the person you admire? Shouldn't we strive to be like the person we look up to?

On the opposite side, you see traits in other people that you dislike, so you are sure to do the opposite. My dad is extremely competitive, thus I am not competitive at all. My mom is unorganized, so I subconsciously became organized. I've always thought that may be a strength in some ways, but could it also be a weakness? What if you aren't subjected to the right people?

So I come back to: Who am I? Why am I here? Do I need a greater purpose?

Who I am:

• Honest

• Talkative

• Charismatic

• Caring

• Loyal, at times to my own detriment

What I'm second guessing:

• Outgoing

  • Am I actually outgoing, or do I only do things to prove something to myself and others. But does that discount it? Is it only my anxiety that is stopping me from being outgoing?

• Non-confrontational

  • I don't like confrontation when it comes to standing up for myself.

• Delusional

  • In the sense that I lie to myself a lot.

• Purpose

I'm lost, but I'm trying to find myself. So maybe this will help me to do just that.